Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 2
This episode of Game of Thrones was indubitably shaking.
Right before the annoying Dornish lady woo’d the annoying Iron-Borne lady and added to the large collection of nude Game of Thrones gifs online, we get to see an absolutely thrilling maritime battle. I was personally surprised how absurdly unprepared they were. I mean, they know that Euron was pissed and was building a fleet that looks at least five times cooler than theirs.
He really had those artistic types go at it. Apparently he has 1000 boats, which by the way he started building at the end of last season. So after he builds all these ships with sails, he has some carpenters and knitters to put octopuses on all his boats. I mean he really had the artistic type go to town. You’d think once the boats were made and sturdy he’d be ready to rain bloody murder but no. Instead, he thought, "Wait a minute. We could leave now, or we could have just a metric assload of octopuses on all 1000 ships. Which comes out to be about 1000 octopuses." That’s a lot of knitting. You can almost imagine him, thundering into the knitting shop and calling people octowussies as he brutally works them through the night, forcing them to draw picture after picture of his favorite maritime invertebrate. It looks cool though, so it was probably worth the extra effort.
Anyway, he gets to murder all of the sand-damsels which was really satisfying. Sand is annoying, these gals were no different. I really feel for the actresses who thought they were super lucky to get onto Game of Thrones as sand snakes. There is a girl out there who thinks her role of sand snake number three was really her jump into the big leagues. Ouch. That’s the real tragedy here.
As Yara is threatened by Euron, she pleads to Theon to help her. Theon pauses, looking into his Uncle’s crazy eyes, and thinks to himself, “That is definitely a baddie.” After remembering his wonderful times with the last baddie, he octopussies right out of there. Honestly, after you’ve had your family jewels LITERALLY mailed to your family, ego is the least of your concerns. Good call Reek. Good call.
Sam Tarly had his first real case: flaying a man. Don’t you just love the premed track? As he was removing greyscale, the pus-filled tool transitioned to a pie and was eaten. Kinda looked like a Wendy’s commercial. Always fresh, never frozen!
Daenarys confronts Varys about being a backstabbing snake. But Varys gets out alive because Varys is a butterboi. Hair, words, bod… this guy is smooth as butter. Real butter.
In fact, he clearly believes it’s not butter. He knows butter. That is not butter. Don’t let that cheap imitation get you down, Butterboi. It’ll never be as cool as you.
Sam’s dad, Randyll Tarly, definitely plays a bigger role. If you don’t remember him, he was a massive douche last season. Sam’s mom offered Sam a roll of bread. I edited Randyll’s response with the following trap song.
That’s what my dad said after I came back home from first semester of college.
Señor Tarly will die. That is a given. Think about it. Old white man. Douche bag. Hell, that’s not even rough enough. He is an entire wagon-full of douche… a douche-wag. He has no real importance to the overall plot. This guy ain’t dying of old age. But he will have a role to play in the battle between the mother of dragons and the mother of duds. RIP Tommen.
Johnboi Snowdangles, in all his wisdom, pissed off a powerful creepy man who wants to lay with his sister, right before he leaves for the other side of the world. Your intellect never ceases to impress me Johnny. I hope you don’t die… again.