Game of Thrones Season 6 Recap
Season 7 is today. The boys and damsels at HBO are having a wet dream as they imagine the money flowing into their absurdly profitable show. The boy and damsels of America (and computer literate Ukrainians) and are having a wet dream as they imagine the majesty of Westeros.
If you are new to Game of Thrones, Jon Snow comes back to life. There, I spoiled Season 6 for ya. Get outta here.
It’s been a while, so if you haven’t watched Season 6 in a while, here’s what happened in the last season:
Arya is back, and she has bought a bunch of very realistic Mission Impossible masks. I can see her dying.
Boom boom. What’s that? Oh classic, a church full of a dissenting religion and political enemies. Sounds like Russia! Oh wait, that’s not Putin, that’s Cersei. And she has a lot of power and all her kids are dead. What a shame.
Winter is there. Its summer here in the glorious USA, the place where all three of my readers reside (thanks Mom, Dad, and the copy-editor!).
Samuel has a nice sword. In this instance, I am not talking about his badoinkadoink. Theon has no sword. In this instance, I am talking about his badoinkadoink. RIP.
Daenerys is coming to Westeros with bald guy, short guy, dying rock guy, no-balls pointy stick guys, horse guys, ship guys, and dragons.
Jon Snow is the King of North. Sansa is trying hard to advisor-zone Littlefinger. Littlefinger is trying hard to red dot Sansa. White Walkers are trying hard to convert everyone to the ice-zombie cult. The Red Lady is trying hard to be relevant.
George R.R. Martin isn’t dead yet. Honestly, he’s probably not gonna make it to the end. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the next one to hit the grave.
The Hound killed his brother in an epic duel, demonstrating his dominance and power. What a dawg.
Bran finds himself stuck in the past permanently and must fight the White Walkers to return to the real world.
Some of these are completely false. This is a comedy article, not some buzzfeed Internet vomit.
Remember, Game of Thrones is on at 9 p.m. If you don’t watch it right away the Internet becomes a minefield of explosive spoilers so WATCH IT AT 9 p.m. (or 8 p.m. if you’re a loser in the central time zone).
There will be approximately one review per episode (unless I don’t feel like it), so keep those nipples hard.