Op-Ed: I'm Not Mad, Just Disappointed

Op-Ed: I'm Not Mad, Just Disappointed

Hello, child.

Yes, please come into your home. Yes, it is past midnight. Yes, I have been waiting in this armchair for you since I noticed you weren’t in bed three hours ago. It is something I must do -  a patrol, a ritual - every night; I have done it ever since you came out of my womb. Where have you been?

You can also tell that I am disappointed because I have taken out my Disappointed Glass, my special glass for the wine that I pour myself as I wait for you to return from whatever debaucherous activities you might be doing as a fifteen year-old. I am so disappointed that I put an entire bottle of wine in my special glass and took it back out again in the time it took you to abandon our home and come back.

I am as disappointed now as your father was when he found out that you would be a son, not a daughter - he is competitive that way. In fact, I am so disappointed that, were I as angry as I am disappointed, I would throw you out of this house this very second. I have never been this disappointed. You can tell because I have lowered my voice to a near whisper; you can barely hear it, which is how you know I am disappointed and not mad.

Child, please sit down next to the dog lying on the sofa - you can tell he too is disappointed because he has not moved in several hours. He is sleeping because he is so disappointed in how you have disgraced our home, forsaken your family, removed the chastity belt that was given to you on your thirteenth birthday, worn torn jeans, broken my heart, and made me drink from my Disappointed Glass.

You may be thinking that I am mad. I am not mad, just disappointed. You cannot possibly understand the depth of my fiery, furious disappointment. I am as disappointed now as I was upon seeing the film adaptation of Twilight for the first time and staring into Robert Pattinson’s weary face. My disappointment is as deep as the pits of hell, which I fear you and your friends may fall into due to your overly sexual and deviant behavior. Where have you been?

Yes, you may have been out studying with your friends for an exam that is tomorrow, and yes, it is possible that your chastity belt may have made it difficult to sit down and study. Yes, please pick up the sleeping dog - it shall be your only companion as I ground you until you graduate from college. I shall keep vigil in this armchair for as long as it takes for you to graduate while taking all of your classes from the depths of our dark basement. I will be kept awake by my fearsome, intense, incredible, unfathomable disappointment, like a vengeful angel.  

But remember, dear: Mommy loves you.

 

Defensive Coordinator Derek Mason Seen Arguing with Head Coach Derek Mason

Defensive Coordinator Derek Mason Seen Arguing with Head Coach Derek Mason

Engineer Can’t Stop Rubbing Nipples While Explaining Coursework

Engineer Can’t Stop Rubbing Nipples While Explaining Coursework