Sorority Girl Arrested for Stealing Hats at Kentucky Derby
Louisville, KY – At 3:47 pm on Saturday, Ashley Martin was taken into custody for attempting to steal as many as 15 hats at the Kentucky Derby. A proud member of Tao Iota Tau, Martin believed she was participating in the fraternity event known as Derby Days where sorority girls try to locate and steal hidden derby hats.
“I don’t understand what I did wrong,” Martin said. “I thought for each derby I grabbed I got 500 points, but instead people just started screaming at me!”
According to sources, eyewitnesses at the scene noticed some warning signs before Martin went on her derby-grabbing rampage. Martin allegedly referred to the event as Derby Days instead of the Kentucky Derby and called all the officials at the track “Derby Daddies."
“I will admit, at first I was a little confused why there were so many horses running around,” Martin said. “But then I realized that the horse names were obviously the clues to the derby. No way are those horses named that absurdly on purpose.”
Sigma Chi, the fraternity responsible for Derby Days, was quick to renounce Martin and distance themselves from the debacle. Additionally, some brothers of Sigma Chi who attended the race were actually victims of the theft.
“We were just chillin' out and playing our traditional game of ‘If that horse was a girl, would you bang it?’ when I felt someone pull off my rocking derby hat,” Chad Whitman, a brother of the University of Kentucky’s Sigma Chi chapter, said. “I was like ‘whoa, who did that bro?’”
Slant reporters are at the scene and will continue to update the story as new developments occur, but they did note a disturbing lack of Furbys at the track.