You were the guy, in the Vanderbilt shirt, who smiled at me in Physics and cringed when you saw my test score. We laughed while doing problems about rotational momentum, and I could feel my insides rotating. You seem cool, and I know I’m cool. So it would be really cool if we became friends. More than gravity is making me fall for you!
From Physics Phyllis
You were the dude I threw up on at the frat party last weekend. I was the blonde wearing green, and my red Solo cup bounced off your dadbod when I fell off the stage. Your name is something that begins with an ‘M’ or maybe ‘W’. We awkwardly grinded together for at least five minutes, so I think we’ll really hit it off. My friends told me you were cute, but I don’t actually remember because I passed out. We also took a bunch of selfies, so if you find yourself on my Snap story (@tridelt4lyfe), send something back ;).
You were the 3:57 PM Boston to Newark flight. I’d just landed from Atlanta and really just needed a way to get into New Jersey. I thought I could read all the signs, but you were kind of a tease and a four somehow was actually a three. You were also really guarded and even attempts at sweet-talking the flight attendants couldn’t get me some alone time with you. Even though I tried running after you, the old lady behind me told me that it was a failed attempt, and I’d just have to work to not miss my connections. Please come find me at the gate; I’m the frantic one who looks frustrated.
From Southwest Sweetheart
You were the one with only one eye, and I was the one whose name you said sounded too much like “corn”. I told you I really liked the numbers 1738 and 679 and offered to find you a trap queen, but you thought my glasses were nerdy. And that I offered you too little money, no matter how “righteous” our spring music festival is. This is a formal request for you to perform, so that The Slant stops making fun of me with hashtags. Contact me through the VPB Music Group.