ARIES (3/21 - 4/19) Look behind you. There’s nothing there. There’s nothing anywhere. How did you get all the way out here all by yourself?
TAURUS (4/20 - 5/20) There is something in your future. Good? Bad? I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention. Yeah, well are you looking at me for? It gets boring up here in space. A guy’s not allowed to zone out once or twice in an eon? Sorry, okay? Just be glad there is a future. Do you know how many futureless beings on Instarion Omega 59 would be thankful for that leftover second you’ve got? Ungrateful bastard...
GEMINI (5/21 - 6/20) Never trust a Virgo. Never.
CANCER (6/21 - 7/22) You’ve spent your entire life worrying about cancer, all because it’s your sign. Well, how much damage can one strip of bacon do? You’ve lived your whole life so clean; might as well relax now. Mmmm, wasn’t that tasty? By the way, you should go get your colon examined right now.
LEO (7/23 - 8/22) Fortune cookies are bullshit.
VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) The stars say you’re feuding with Gemini, so go tell them some lies. Don’t ask, just do it!
LIBRA (9/23 - 10/21) .. / ._ __ / _ ._. ._ .__. .__. . _.. / .. _. / _ …. . / .____ ___.. ___.. _____ … STOP … . _. _.. / …. . ._.. .__. STOP . ..._ . ._. _.__ ___ _. . / …. . ._. . / .. … / ___ ._.. _.. / _ .. __ . _.__ / ._ _. _.. / _ …. . _.__ / ._ ._.. ._.. / _ ._ ._.. _._ / .._. .._ _. _. _.__ STOP
SCORPIO (10/22 - 11/21) Today’s Scorpio horoscope is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the easiest way to create a beautiful website, blog, or online store for you and your ideas. Squarespace features an elegant interface, beautiful templates, and OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO GET OUT. RUN AWAY. CHANGE YOUR BIRTHDAY. TERRIBLE THINGS ARE COMING, SCORPIO. TERRIBLE THINGS. Squarespace -- Build it Beautiful.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21) Bad news, everyone. Sagittarius quit. He just stopped showing up one day at the end of last August. We haven’t seen him since, and honestly, we’ve just been making up all your predictions for the last 7 months. Did they come true? There were some we were really proud of. January 19th? I wrote that one. How did you like it? Anyways, we just got Sagittarius’ 2 week notice (why does he send all of his mail by arrow?), so you’re gonna have to find a new sign. Sorry for the inconvenience.
CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) Today is opposite day for you, Capricorn. In fact, every day is opposite day for you. Everything you perceive as red, everyone else perceives as something completely different. You are entirely alone in the world your mind creates for you. Happy opposite day!
AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) [shrilly] How many times do I have to tell you to bring your dirty dishes upstairs? [softly] Mary, maybe we should start collecting rent? [defeated] I don’t know, Clark. I don’t want to lose him again.
PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) PAPER JAM CHECK REAR DOOR