Op-Ed: I've never done one of these prayer things before...

Op-Ed: I've never done one of these prayer things before...

Dear God,

First of all, sorry I denied Your existence all these years. I guess I just never thought it would come to this, but the election is today, so I thought I’d hit You up just to be safe. You’ve probably heard, but our country is on the verge of electing a greasy genital-grabbing goblin to the highest office.

The following is a list of actions I promise to take in order to atone for my sins. All I ask is that You give Hillary just a little divine boost.

  1. I will stop mooching Ubers by insisting that I only have the Lyft app

  2. I will stop using the card to purchase underage margaritas from Chuy’s

  3. I will refrain from participating in Facebook comment thread fights

  4. I will not double park my bike

  5. I will not hide my Rand cookie under a bed of salad greens and pretend that I only have three sides

  6. I will actually go to Visions

  7. I will stop engaging in the false idolatry of Commons omelets

  8. I will graciously help my grandmother set up her new iPad

  9. I will wait in the back of the 45 minute bowl line, even though my roommate is LITERALLY THIRD and I JUST HAVE TO ASK HER A QUESTION REAL QUICK

  10. I will delete my finsta once and for all

  11. I will spill the blood of the bourgeoisie and seize the means of production for the gentle laborer

  12. I will floss

Thanks in advance.

Amen

An Interview With Aristotle on the 2016 Election

An Interview With Aristotle on the 2016 Election

Voters in Gerrymandered District Under Illusion That Their Votes Actually Matter In Local Elections

Voters in Gerrymandered District Under Illusion That Their Votes Actually Matter In Local Elections