Trump Crusades for Puppet Rights as Nation's First Puppet Presidential Candidate

Trump Crusades for Puppet Rights as Nation's First Puppet Presidential Candidate

After the third presidential debate between Clinton and Trump, during which Clinton accused Trump of being Putin’s “puppet,” Trump defensively shouted “No puppet. No puppet. You’re the puppet. No you’re the puppet.” While Trump’s comments appeared commonplace in the midst of his random shouting throughout the debate, the defensiveness of these comments in particular was not fully explicated until a recent TV interview, in which long translucent strings attached to Trump’s arms and lips became visible in the light of the studio. The strings seemed to run through slats in the ceiling, as if someone in the vents was controlling the movements of Trump’s arms and mouth. Professional costume designers from the sets of the Harry Potter films and The Hobbit have come in to analyze footage of Trump’s appearance in this special camera lighting. Although many assumed that his bronze skin originated from many vacations to the Bahamas or an addiction to Jergens, further inspection by these film professionals revealed that Trump’s skin was in fact made of wax, rather than human flesh.

While many feminists look forward to seeing the first female president step into the White House, many advocates for the rights of puppets are emerging from their gaming dens to voice their support for Trump. Ventriloquists all across the nation have gathered outside of polling places to encourage members of the electorate to finally put a puppet in a place of power and guarantee puppets the rights and voices they deserve. Social media indicate plans for a major rally at the White House on Tuesday, organized by the Bert and Ernie Coalition, the largest puppets’ rights interest group in the United States. So far, all gatherings have been peaceful, as the puppets lack the hand control to maneuver weapons; however, with a rally of this size, police may have to step in. CNN analyst Jim Acosta forecasts this to be “the most monumental civil rights movement in history,” and predicts an overwhelming Trump victory.

Missed Connections

Missed Connections

You Rat Bastards Will Never Get Your Filthy Mitts on My Precious Raffi CDs

You Rat Bastards Will Never Get Your Filthy Mitts on My Precious Raffi CDs