Breaking News: Clowns Found to Be Actual People Under Paint
Recently, clowns have been causing a scare across America, as mysterious figures creep around the country for no apparent reason. In the past week, clowns have appeared at college campuses such as Penn State and even Belmont, just one mile away from Vanderbilt’s campus. In the midst of the scare, noted Vanderbilt researcher and professor of deductive reasoning Justin Elliott recently released a report that shocked everyone to their very core.
In his report, Elliott states, “After 80 hours straight of intense scientific study, I have discovered that the clowns are not real clowns; they are actually people that have painted their face and put on a clown costume. The implications of this study are groundbreaking. We now know how we can stop the spread of evil clowns; however, there are still many questions left unanswered. Were the clowns born this way or is it a choice? What about the paint? How do they stop from sweating it off or itching? All are questions that we must dedicate a lifetime to answering.”
The response to Elliott’s report has been a deep sense of surprise. Vanderbilt senior Samuel Martin, valedictorian of his high school class and owner of a perfect SAT score, summed it up best when he said, “I am dumbfounded. Not once did I ever consider that the clowns were normal humans.”
Chancellor Zeppos has also given his opinion on the matter. “We take all threats of clowns very seriously, whether they be real clowns or, as we now know, humans dressed as clowns,” said Zeppos. “We have instituted strict security measures to ensure all students safety. Members of the VUPD have been designated to an Fighting Against Clown Exposure (FACE) task force. Each officer will carry a Super Soaker; if any clown approaches a student, the officer will spray the clown in the face, causing his paint to wash off and his true identity to be revealed.”
Elliott has been universally praised for his work. President Obama called him “a true American hero.” Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said that Elliott is “making America great again” and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton said that she has “sent an email of Elliott's study to all of [her] close friends at the state department.” After saving a country from the chaos of clowns, Elliott is expected to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize on December 10.