The Slant Presents: Live Blog of the Final Debate
8:05 p.m. Audience is currently too dazzled by Hillary Clinton's white, sinister pantsuit.
8:10 p.m. Clinton claims to have lived in Arkansas for "18 Wonderful Years" - according to our sources, those years were "so-so at best."
8:11 p.m. Clinton denies a lack of support for the second amendment, saying "I have friends who are guns."
8:12 p.m. Clinton claims to support one of key tools used in killing other human beings.
8:13 p.m. Trump's Google search reveals "what was the Heller decision?"
8:14 p.m. Clinton's speech focuses mainly on small humans as opposed to large humans.
8:17 p.m. Clinton avoids saying the word "abortion" for the last thirty seconds in which she has been defending women's right to abortion.
8:19 p.m. Clinton chastises Trump for using "scare rhetoric" before Halloween
8:19 p.m. Trump suggests that "ripping babies out of the womb," or C-sections, should be illegal.
8:19 p.m. Clinton doesn't think the government should be making decisions for women; Bill should.
8:20 p.m. The wall has been mentioned. Take a drink.
8:21 p.m. Trump's example of 4 people being killed by illegal immigrants now used in all science classes for why anecdotes are not the same as data.
8:24 p.m. "There are some bad hombres out there." - Donald Trump, both appealing and repelling the Hispanic vote through an expert use of Spanglish.
8:25 p.m. "We are a nation of immigrants, and we are a nation of laws." - Hillary Clinton, describing the ways in which some laws have more rights than people.
8:25 p.m. Trump should be speaking "very much better," according to English professors.
8:26 p.m. Stoners just now realize that "The Wall" is not the Pink Floyd album, but actually a wall.
8:27 p.m. Trump accepts endorsement for "Bigly" Chew.
8:28 p.m. Trump thinks it's unfair for people to come into the country just by crossing the border; instead, it should be required to marry him.
8:29 p.m. Clinton begins quoting Reagan in order to throw people off as to who is the Democrat and who is the Republican.
8:30 p.m. Moderator makes first attempt to control debate.
8:30 p.m. Clinton switched her pivot, but referee did not see the travel.
8:31 p.m. Trump makes first reference to radical Islam to draw in the conservative vote.
8:33 p.m. Clinton actually appears to emote for the first time.
8:33 p.m. Moderator loses control of the debate only 3 minutes into first attempt at control.
8:33 p.m. "Of course I condemn," says Trump about pretty much every policy Clinton suggests.
8:34 p.m. Putin: "Of course he's not my best friend. I'm not mad, you are."
8:34 p.m. Entertainment Tonight leaps onto failing Trump/Putin friendship. We smell a feud! xoxo Gossip Girl.
8:35 p.m. Clinton calls ability to declare nuclear war, "Awesome."
8:35 p.m. Trump somehow connects military involvement with endorsement of his congressional medal of honor winners.
8:36 p.m. "You're not going to find a quote from me." - Donald Trump, revealing that a strange ghostly voice has been speaking through him this entire time.
8:37 p.m. Moderator is currently contemplating the implications of walking out of the debate.
8:39 p.m. Clinton changes "Trumped-up Trickle Down Economics" to "Trickle Down Economics on Steroids."
8:40 p.m. Trump chooses not to single out specific countries that the United States is defending by naming them specifically.
8:42 p.m. Trump wrote "jobs" on a legal pack every day for a year to bring them back.
8:42 p.m. Trump declares that the country as a whole is dying at 1% GDP per year. Like Princess Mononoke, he will take back the forest, except with more guns and fewer wolves.
8:45 p.m. Nameless moderator appears to have some control over the debate again.
8:46 p.m. Trump claims that he should win easily. He has also found representatives from a new country, "Indian."
8:47 p.m. "You don't get to 1.4 million friends without making a few enemies." - Trump
8:47 p.m. When will Trump promise to put chocolate milk in the drinking fountains?
8:47 p.m. Clinton smiles unnervingly as Trump prides himself on a single correct fact in the entire debates.
8:48 p.m. Our sources find that illegal dumping is done over text message.
8:50 p.m. The X-Files will be investigating the myths surrounding the State Department.
8:50 p.m. Clinton brings up small humans again.
8:52 p.m. Trump reuses "debunked" in reference to testimonies regarding accusations of sexual assault.
8:53 p.m. Trump did not apologize to his wife because he did not do anything, and blames Clinton's campaign for unrest at protest.
8:54 p.m. Clinton's internal monologue: "HOLD ME BACK. HOLD ME BACK, BILL."
8:54 p.m. Trump: "10 minutes of fame < 20 minutes of action."
8:56 p.m. "Nobody has more respect for women than me." Trump reuses "debunked" again.
8:56 p.m. Does anyone have more respect for women than Trump? Nation cautiously raises its hand.
8:57 p.m. Trump pivots to emails, again. Amazing.
8:57 p.m. Nation launches frenzied search for the FBI.
8:59 p.m. Trump recycles violence accusation against Hillary for rallies.
9:01 p.m. Millionaire Donald Trump appears to accuse electoral system as being "pay to play."
9:02 p.m. Haiti claims that it was actually bigger than Trump says.
9:02 p.m. Trump uses visit to Little Haiti as play for solidarity.
9:04 p.m. Trump accused of irresponsible spending of $12 million on raising a single American flag.
9:05 p.m. It only took one hour and five minutes for Clinton to bring up Trump's tax records.
9:05 p.m. Trump's taxes won't be accepted because there are no receipts.
9:05 p.m. If Trump doesn't release tax returns soon, FAFSA will not release his financial aid package.
9:05 p.m. It only took one hour and five minutes for Clinton to bring up Trump's tax records.
9:05 p.m. Trump's tax returns not accepted because he cut the tags off and the armpits smelled like sweat and spray tan.
9:07 p.m. Trump wonders if voters will see though the media that "poisons their minds." FDA claims that there is no actual poisoning from media, just lead contaminated water in Flint.
9:08 p.m. Trump claims to support people's rights except their right to vote.
9:08 p.m. Moderator says that Trump will be the loser.
9:08 p.m. Trump on election rigging - "But wait, there's more!"
9:09 p.m. Trump is still upset about the Emmy he lost.
9:10 p.m. English Professors of America release statement saying that the number of run-on sentences in debate is "far too high, even offensive." They will not disclose which candidate has been more guilty of this.
9:12 p.m. Sephora pushes new brand of color correctors and contouring kit called "The Donald: A Blaze of Glory."
9:14 p.m. Trump still wondering what happened to the element of surprise.
9:14 p.m. Trump sad that Iran hasn't written the United States a handwritten thank you note.
9:18 p.m. Clinton recommends exciting new cat video on YouTube.
9:18 p.m. Bernie Sanders curious as to why he's being dragged into this debate, again.
9:19 p.m. Moderator has final point of revenge by fact-checking Trump on Aleppo statements.
9:19 p.m. "I can see Aleppo from my house." - Donald Trump
9:19 p.m. Trump says Aleppo has fallen and pulls up photographic evidence, but it's just a photo of the LaGuardia airport.
9:20 p.m. Fox considers using spray water bottle to keep candidates on track.
9:21 p.m. Debate becomes more entertaining if Trump says "na-na na-na boo-boo" after every sentence.
9:22 p.m. Trump wants a no fly zone so he doesn't have to risk getting caught in his zipper.
9:23 p.m. Hillary Clinton hoping dislocated refugees can just be popped back into place.
9:23 p.m. Clinton makes third reference to small humans.
9:24 p.m. Clinton's grandchildren upset that she hasn't talked about them yet; Clinton campaign team preparing presents for November 8.
9:26 p.m. Trump claims to create tremendous automaton to create jobs.
9:27 p.m. Trump has infinite levels of hat hair.
9:27 p.m. Trump declares something that philosophers have always known: capitalism is a machine.
9:28 p.m. Will the economic machine pass the Turing test, or follow Asimov's laws?
9:29 p.m. Trump says the word 'Reagan'; every Republican watching immediately gets a boner.
9:30 p.m. "Can I respond to this?" "No, we don't have time." Trump responds anyway.
9:31 p.m. Hillary Clinton promises to Venmo the United States government.
9:31 p.m. Trump creates new time travel device to journey back to Year 17.
9:32 p.m. Trump calls Clinton and the entire U.S. tax system "such a nasty woman" for trying to get him to pay taxes.
9:33 p.m. Trump makes mental note to Google what "solvency" is later.
9:33 p.m. Moderator just wants to end the debate on a positive note for once in his entire life before he shuffles off this mortal coil.
9:34 p.m. Clinton promises to get "lunch, coffee, a meal, or whatever" with all Americans before November 8.
9:34 p.m. Clinton: "I am reaching out to all Americans, Hispanics, Whites, Gays, Children, even your crazy uncle Jim who smells like old cheese and eats raw chicken, because that's where we're at right now."
9:34 p.m. Clinton gets dangerously close to saying "Make America Great Again."
9:35 p.m. Clinton brings up small humans for a fourth time. Also, families.
9:35 p.m. Hillary saw the White House up close, but Monica Lewinsky saw it even closer.
9:36 p.m. Trump utilizes brand new motto during closing statements of debate, "Make America Great Again."
9:36 p.m. Trump claims he will make America strong again, pulls a bottle of HGH pills out of his pocket and winks.
9:37 p.m. Moderator: "Please, for the love of all that is holy and good in this world, get off your ass and vote - we don't deserve this."
9:39 p.m. Chris Wallace shuffles off to get drunk alone in his dressing room.