The Slant Presents: Live Blog of the Final Debate

The Slant Presents: Live Blog of the Final Debate

8:05 p.m. Audience is currently too dazzled by Hillary Clinton's white, sinister pantsuit. 

8:10 p.m. Clinton claims to have lived in Arkansas for "18 Wonderful Years" - according to our sources, those years were "so-so at best."

8:11 p.m. Clinton denies a lack of support for the second amendment, saying "I have friends who are guns." 

8:12 p.m. Clinton claims to support one of key tools used in killing other human beings. 

8:13 p.m. Trump's Google search reveals "what was the Heller decision?"

8:14 p.m. Clinton's speech focuses mainly on small humans as opposed to large humans.

8:17 p.m. Clinton avoids saying the word "abortion" for the last thirty seconds in which she has been defending women's right to abortion. 

8:19 p.m. Clinton chastises Trump for using "scare rhetoric" before Halloween

8:19 p.m. Trump suggests that "ripping babies out of the womb," or C-sections, should be illegal.

8:19 p.m. Clinton doesn't think the government should be making decisions for women; Bill should. 

8:20 p.m. The wall has been mentioned. Take a drink.

8:21 p.m. Trump's example of 4 people being killed by illegal immigrants now used in all science classes for why anecdotes are not the same as data.

8:24 p.m. "There are some bad hombres out there." - Donald Trump, both appealing and repelling the Hispanic vote through an expert use of Spanglish.

8:25 p.m. "We are a nation of immigrants, and we are a nation of laws." - Hillary Clinton, describing the ways in which some laws have more rights than people. 

8:25 p.m. Trump should be speaking "very much better," according to English professors. 

8:26 p.m. Stoners just now realize that "The Wall" is not the Pink Floyd album, but actually a wall. 

8:27 p.m. Trump accepts endorsement for "Bigly" Chew.

8:28 p.m. Trump thinks it's unfair for people to come into the country just by crossing the border; instead, it should be required to marry him. 

8:29 p.m. Clinton begins quoting Reagan in order to throw people off as to who is the Democrat and who is the Republican. 

8:30 p.m. Moderator makes first attempt to control debate.

8:30 p.m. Clinton switched her pivot, but referee did not see the travel. 

8:31 p.m. Trump makes first reference to radical Islam to draw in the conservative vote. 

8:33 p.m. Clinton actually appears to emote for the first time. 

8:33 p.m. Moderator loses control of the debate only 3 minutes into first attempt at control. 

8:33 p.m. "Of course I condemn," says Trump about pretty much every policy Clinton suggests. 

8:34 p.m. Putin: "Of course he's not my best friend. I'm not mad, you are." 

8:34 p.m. Entertainment Tonight leaps onto failing Trump/Putin friendship. We smell a feud! xoxo Gossip Girl. 

8:35 p.m. Clinton calls ability to declare nuclear war, "Awesome."

8:35 p.m. Trump somehow connects military involvement with endorsement of his congressional medal of honor winners.

8:36 p.m. "You're not going to find a quote from me." - Donald Trump, revealing that a strange ghostly voice has been speaking through him this entire time. 

8:37 p.m. Moderator is currently contemplating the implications of walking out of the debate. 

8:39 p.m. Clinton changes "Trumped-up Trickle Down Economics" to "Trickle Down Economics on Steroids." 

8:40 p.m. Trump chooses not to single out specific countries that the United States is defending by naming them specifically. 

8:42 p.m. Trump wrote "jobs" on a legal pack every day for a year to bring them back. 

8:42 p.m. Trump declares that the country as a whole is dying at 1% GDP per year. Like Princess Mononoke, he will take back the forest, except with more guns and fewer wolves.

8:45 p.m. Nameless moderator appears to have some control over the debate again. 

8:46 p.m. Trump claims that he should win easily. He has also found representatives from a new country, "Indian." 

8:47 p.m. "You don't get to 1.4 million friends without making a few enemies." - Trump

8:47 p.m. When will Trump promise to put chocolate milk in the drinking fountains?

8:47 p.m. Clinton smiles unnervingly as Trump prides himself on a single correct fact in the entire debates. 

8:48 p.m. Our sources find that illegal dumping is done over text message. 

8:50 p.m. The X-Files will be investigating the myths surrounding the State Department.

8:50 p.m. Clinton brings up small humans again. 

8:52 p.m. Trump reuses "debunked" in reference to testimonies regarding accusations of sexual assault. 

8:53 p.m. Trump did not apologize to his wife because he did not do anything, and blames Clinton's campaign for unrest at protest.

8:54 p.m. Clinton's internal monologue: "HOLD ME BACK. HOLD ME BACK, BILL." 

8:54 p.m. Trump: "10 minutes of fame < 20 minutes of action."

8:56 p.m. "Nobody has more respect for women than me." Trump reuses "debunked" again.

8:56 p.m. Does anyone have more respect for women than Trump? Nation cautiously raises its hand.  

8:57 p.m. Trump pivots to emails, again. Amazing. 

8:57 p.m. Nation launches frenzied search for the FBI.

8:59 p.m. Trump recycles violence accusation against Hillary for rallies. 

9:01 p.m. Millionaire Donald Trump appears to accuse electoral system as being "pay to play."

9:02 p.m. Haiti claims that it was actually bigger than Trump says. 

9:02 p.m. Trump uses visit to Little Haiti as play for solidarity.  

9:04 p.m. Trump accused of irresponsible spending of $12 million on raising a single American flag. 

9:05 p.m. It only took one hour and five minutes for Clinton to bring up Trump's tax records. 

9:05 p.m. Trump's taxes won't be accepted because there are no receipts. 

9:05 p.m. If Trump doesn't release tax returns soon, FAFSA will not release his financial aid package.

9:05 p.m. It only took one hour and five minutes for Clinton to bring up Trump's tax records. 

9:05 p.m. Trump's tax returns not accepted because he cut the tags off and the armpits smelled like sweat and spray tan. 

9:07 p.m. Trump wonders if voters will see though the media that "poisons their minds." FDA claims that there is no actual poisoning from media, just lead contaminated water in Flint. 

9:08 p.m. Trump claims to support people's rights except their right to vote. 

9:08 p.m. Moderator says that Trump will be the loser. 

9:08 p.m. Trump on election rigging - "But wait, there's more!"

9:09 p.m. Trump is still upset about the Emmy he lost. 

9:10 p.m. English Professors of America release statement saying that the number of run-on sentences in debate is "far too high, even offensive." They will not disclose which candidate has been more guilty of this. 

9:12 p.m. Sephora pushes new brand of color correctors and contouring kit called "The Donald: A Blaze of Glory."

9:14 p.m. Trump still wondering what happened to the element of surprise. 

9:14 p.m. Trump sad that Iran hasn't written the United States a handwritten thank you note. 

9:18 p.m. Clinton recommends exciting new cat video on YouTube. 

9:18 p.m. Bernie Sanders curious as to why he's being dragged into this debate, again. 

9:19 p.m. Moderator has final point of revenge by fact-checking Trump on Aleppo statements. 

9:19 p.m. "I can see Aleppo from my house." - Donald Trump 

9:19 p.m. Trump says Aleppo has fallen and pulls up photographic evidence, but it's just a photo of the LaGuardia airport. 

9:20 p.m. Fox considers using spray water bottle to keep candidates on track. 

9:21 p.m. Debate becomes more entertaining if Trump says "na-na na-na boo-boo" after every sentence.

9:22 p.m. Trump wants a no fly zone so he doesn't have to risk getting caught in his zipper. 

9:23 p.m. Hillary Clinton hoping dislocated refugees can just be popped back into place. 

9:23 p.m. Clinton makes third reference to small humans. 

9:24 p.m. Clinton's grandchildren upset that she hasn't talked about them yet; Clinton campaign team preparing presents for November 8. 

9:26 p.m. Trump claims to create tremendous automaton to create jobs. 

9:27 p.m. Trump has infinite levels of hat hair. 

9:27 p.m. Trump declares something that philosophers have always known: capitalism is a machine. 

9:28 p.m. Will the economic machine pass the Turing test, or follow Asimov's laws?

9:29 p.m. Trump says the word 'Reagan'; every Republican watching immediately gets a boner. 

9:30 p.m. "Can I respond to this?" "No, we don't have time." Trump responds anyway. 

9:31 p.m. Hillary Clinton promises to Venmo the United States government. 

9:31 p.m. Trump creates new time travel device to journey back to Year 17. 

9:32 p.m. Trump calls Clinton and the entire U.S. tax system "such a nasty woman" for trying to get him to pay taxes. 

9:33 p.m. Trump makes mental note to Google what "solvency" is later. 

9:33 p.m. Moderator just wants to end the debate on a positive note for once in his entire life before he shuffles off this mortal coil.

9:34 p.m. Clinton promises to get "lunch, coffee, a meal, or whatever" with all Americans before November 8. 

9:34 p.m. Clinton: "I am reaching out to all Americans, Hispanics, Whites, Gays, Children, even your crazy uncle Jim who smells like old cheese and eats raw chicken, because that's where we're at right now."

9:34 p.m. Clinton gets dangerously close to saying "Make America Great Again."

9:35 p.m. Clinton brings up small humans for a fourth time. Also, families. 

9:35 p.m. Hillary saw the White House up close, but Monica Lewinsky saw it even closer. 

9:36 p.m. Trump utilizes brand new motto during closing statements of debate, "Make America Great Again."

9:36 p.m. Trump claims he will make America strong again, pulls a bottle of HGH pills out of his pocket and winks. 

9:37 p.m. Moderator: "Please, for the love of all that is holy and good in this world, get off your ass and vote - we don't deserve this." 

9:39 p.m. Chris Wallace shuffles off to get drunk alone in his dressing room. 




Man Completely Changes Mind About Election after Vice Presidential Debate

Man Completely Changes Mind About Election after Vice Presidential Debate